The Asshole Index

We’ve been inundated with AI–with the abbreviation standing in, of course, for “artificial intelligence”. Perhaps it’s time to consider a DIFFERENT kind of AI–the “Asshole Index”. 

Assholes are at least as pervasive–and potentially harmful–in our society as artificial intelligence. An “index” can provide a systematic way to spot and assess their threat. 

But first, some history of the nomenclature. “Team America: World Police” raised the concept of “dicks, pussies, and assholes” and suggested there might be ways of differentiating the three. The movie’s speech hinted that each term suggests specific roles. But it didn’t appear to qualify what makes one say, more of a dick than an asshole. How do they differ? It was an intriguing beginning, but a bit unclear.

More recently, the “Am I the Asshole” subReddit’s popularity indicates there is a demand for a more systematic approach. I suspect the reason is a desire for a logical ethical framework in a world where “rules” about social interactions–especially, but not only online–seem muddy.

To me, one way to assess assholery comes down to intent.

If someone is cheerfully oblivious of the outcomes of their words or actions, that seems less damning than if they were trying to hurt someone. Let’s label that kind of person a shithead, in honor of the dog in “The Jerk”. Steve Martin’s canine companion in that movie wasn’t TRYING to raise a false alarm about a fire; his barking was simply construed that way. But it still caused distress. Therefore, the “shithead” moniker Navin Johnson gave the dog was justified. 

The next level involves a moral actor simply not caring about whether their actions affects others. Any such action would qualify as a “dick move” and the perpetrator of said action could be confidently labeled a dick. Someone CONSISTENTLY engaged in such moves could accurately be labeled a sociopath.

The final category embodies words or actions intended to harm. Someone who intentionally hurts someone, gets some pleasure out of it and has no moral qualms about that harm could be safely labeled an asshole. 

We’ll next explore the spectrum of assholery–including words or behaviors that go off the deep end–”Beyond Asshole”. 

Then we’ll categorize specific subtypes of assholes–perhaps starting with the “Judgemental Asshole” (We are aware of the irony that categorizing anyone as any type of asshole is, itself, a judgmental act. But we are also aware of the need to protect ourselves, so that we are neither a helpless nor hapless asshole.